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Still haven’t gotten anything for the woman who birthed those big-headed children we all adore so much for Mother’s Day?
Time and social distancing are not on your side here, my friend. They are not. But I am.
Mother’s Day is not canceled, but rushing out to the mall the evening before to grab a cheesy card and a blender most definitely is.
Gifts aren’t going to be as easy this year, and I’m telling you, that woman has never put more work into keeping her family afloat and happy than she has these past couple of months. She deserves a yacht, or a phone call from Chris Pratt or something, but she will probably settle for any or all of the things listed below. You are so welcome. I’ve got your back.
1. To sleep in, or at least take a morning nap.
2. Folded Laundry.
3. To Pee Alone.
4. To Eat without someone asking her to get up and pour them a glass of milk, or stealing her food, or sneezing on her food. Maybe she could even eat while her food is still warm, I dunno. Just a thought.
5. NO SNACKS - She doesn’t want to make any other living thing any friggin snacks.
6. To take an uninterrupted shower, or better yet, a long hot bath.
7. A back rub. JUST A BACK RUB. Control yourself. You can do it, or...you know, not do it.
8. Take the kids on a bike ride for thirty minutes, so she can dance around the kitchen to her music, something other than Kidz Bop, Baby Shark, It’s Raining Tacos, or Ole Town Road.
9. Another nap.
10. Help her get the kids to smile and look at the camera for ONE SINGLE PICTURE. There is nothing she wants more than a picture with everyone looking relatively normal. Don’t make her yell. She really hates that. Bribe them if you need to, just get them to stand still, say cheese, and not whine. She wants pictures with her kids and she doesn’t have nearly enough of them. Pro tip: Hold the camera up high at an angled she looks as skinny as possible.
11. Before you load the dishwasher, ask her how she likes the dishwasher loaded and then do it the way she likes.
12. Tell her she’s beautiful.
13. Loungewear. She wants new loungewear, or maybe a new bra because hers is probably really old and disgusting. If you’re thinking “what? She loves her gray bra? I’m telling you, that thing started out nude and it’s just that nasty. Gift cards are AWESOME.
14. Gratitude for all she does. Let her feel seen and appreciated. I know it sounds crazy, but women really love that stuff. I know, right? Who knew women liked compliments? Honestly, this is the most important one. If you do everything else and miss this, you’ve missed the point. Plus, it’s free, so zero excuses.
15. To hold the remote control and pick the show.
You’ve totally got this,
P.S. Mother’s Day is Sunday. It is this Sunday. Not Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday Friday, or three weeks away. It is THIS Sunday.
P.P.S. She loves her job more than life itself. Probably not the part where she’s been homeschooling for the past two months and learning new ways of doing math, which I don't want to get into, but the rest of it—LOVES.