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Love of a Mother painting by Leisa Collins, New ZealandI do not know who left this anonymous comment on Death From Circumcision, but I'd like to thank you for taking the time to add your story to the monumental list of parents who feel sincere regret for allowing their son(s) to be cut during a time of not-so-long-ago U.S. history when accurate and adequate information on the prepuce organ and genital cutting was hard to come by. As I mentioned in the posted comment [pasted below], you are not alone. ♥
DrMomma,
Your empathic reply to the comment left by (the first) Anonymous was healing and comforting to me.
20.5 years ago I gave birth to my first son in a military hospital. My (now ex) husband said he'd seen intact boys teased in the locker room. The only thing I recall a medical "authority" saying was, "There is no medical reason to do it." NO ONE said it hurt. NO ONE said there were risks. My intuition told me not to do it, but I deferred to my husband.
After it was done, I got a phone call from the nursery. I could barely hear the nurse saying that I should come nurse him to calm him down right away because my poor baby was screaming. I still burst into tears every single time I think about it. I can still hear his screaming cries today. If there's a hell, I'm certain that that's what it sounds like.
I didn't know a person could feel so much regret. I cannot imagine that a person could view a video of this torture and then still consent to having it done.
I'm not ready to read the letters of apology. I haven't apologized to my firstborn son yet. I came to this CLEAR understanding of what I had allowed rather recently.
I have an 18-month-old son. I was ready to fight my husband, assuming that he would want his son to be like him. I can still remember the day I asked if he would want it done and he said, "No." I couldn't believe that I didn't have to fight! He just knew better. YAY for enlightened people!
Keep up your efforts. I always share on Facebook :)
For others reading who may be in a similar situation:
It is often a 'healing' process, as a loving mother or father, to come to terms with having sons who were circumcised without their parents being fully informed. We are sometimes victims of a myth-filled society along with our children. You do not need to feel guilt about it now - when we know better, we do better. You did the best you could with the information you had at the time and there are many moms and dads in your shoes.
In case you are interested, the following are letters and articles and threads written by others who have apologized to their sons for what happened to them/was taken from them. They are all intactivists today, working in their own unique ways to save others from the same. Some of the letters and stories are just beautiful, and as heart-felt as a mother's or father's love can possibly be.
My Beautiful Boy, I am Sorry
A Heartfelt Christmas Gift
A Letter to My Son
Knowing Better
Lives Changed: A Willingness to Speak Up
No Longer Intact: My Son's Story
Dealing with Circumcision Regret
What I Wish I'd Known
A Public Apology to My Circumcised Son
Mothers Talk about Sons' Circumcisions
Circumcision Gone Wrong: Lantz' Story
My Son is Circumcised and I Support the MGM Bill
Circumcision's Profound Impact on My Family
Will You Make the Cut?
Stop MGM: My oldest son was circumcised
Mother of 2 circumcised sons researches circumcision before her 3rd son is born (and kept intact) [video]
Mothering thread from hundreds of mothers who regret circumcision
Music videos by a father on the subject
Someday you may also wish to tell your son(s) about restoration so that he can look into it if he chooses to do so. There are thousands of men restoring today and the benefits are great: Restoration: The Uncircumcising of Men
Facebook Page: Keeping Future Sons Intact
Facebook Group: 2nd Son, 2nd Chance: Parents Who Say Never Again! to Circumcision
If you are raising both intact and circumcised sons, or have a son who was circumcised and would like to keep future sons, or grandsons, whole, join in our private Keeping Future Sons Intact Facebook group with other parents and grandparents in similar situations. Let Lille know you are interested by sending her a message here.
Best wishes to each of you and your families, and your future intact grandsons!
For a complete listing of prepuce organ (foreskin), intact care, and circumcision information see: Are You Fully Informed?
~~~~
healing from regret.... is there healing? I have worked hard to inform other parents of the dangers and truth about MGM, and I've written about my own experience (http://iinformedparenting.blogspot.com/2010/04/pieces-of-adam-how-your-circumcised-son.html )... but the fact that I allowed my first son to be circumcised still haunts me every day. I would like to have healing, but I doubt it will ever come, just as my son will never heal from the damage inflicted upon him. For now, I will assuage my guilt by working towards the day when ALL circumcision is banned EVERYWHERE.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. In 2007, my son was circumcised, when I DID have all the information available, but still went ahead with it because I gave the "last say" to my husband. Now, we BOTH regret it. I feel so guilty and ashamed when I think about what we allowed to happen to him. It breaks my heart.
ReplyDeleteWe both have decided if we ever have another son, NO CIRCUMCISION. Ever. And if any family members are pregnant with boys, I will be sure to give them all the info to try and save more helpless baby boys from this unnecessary procedure.
Thank you anonymous writer for encouraging me to keep talking about this issue despite having many, many friends with boys that have been circumcised. I don't wish to cause them pain, but really hope they will think twice before doing it again. So glad you are finding healing, keep moving on.
ReplyDeleteI am so thankfull to my mother who was always open w/ me about her regret. 2 of my brothers were cut and the youngest intact. Because of those talks when I was young I carried that w/ me to when I had my first son. I am so thankfull that I my 2 little boys are whole. And I talk about it w/ them(they are 7 and 4) so that one day when they have sons they'll know the facts. When explaining why their dad, my husband is circ'd I tell them that their grandparents made a choice w/ what the doctor told them was best but now we know better. hugs to all the moms out there. move forward and tell your boys what happened so they can stop the chain when they have their own sons.
ReplyDeleteFunny how we stumble upon things at just the right time. My sons are 8 and 6 and I had them circumcised. I did my research and I only found pro-circ info. I did not have internet access and even if I did I doubt I would have found the info I sought. My DH and I opted to do what we thought as "right" And now here I sit; guilt-ridden because of the permanent damage I did to my sons. Specifically to my eldest. You see he had to be re-circ'd at 2 months old. I was told that was "normal" and it would be "fine." I didn't know any better and I listened to the Dr. This past yr he had to have surgery on his penis. A direct result from his circ. 9 months after the surgery he had to have it again because scar tissue formed and he couldn't urinate. His urologist told me he did not circ his boys(I asked). He told me to take my experiences and tell other moms. This way maybe less boys would be subjected to an unnecessary cosmetic procedure. I spread the word. I stand firm against the violent act, but the guilt is still there. It will probably be there forever. I allowed my son to be damaged and then I went and allowed it to be done to his brother. Yes, I was uneducated about the risks, but that does NOT take away the guilt. I provides some comfort to hear other mom's stories. I feel less alone....
ReplyDeleteI can so relate. I wish I had been more informed when my 2 boys were cut. My oldest son had his done under general anesthesia because of a hypospadius repair. My youngest son I actually witnessed his.. And it was TORTURE for both of us... I WILL NEVER AGAIN ALLOW MY SONS TO BE MUTILATED AND HARMED IN THIS WAY EVER AGAIN. I so do regret it, and I wish I could take it back...but I cant so I find and save information on restoration should they decide to do that when they are older and I deeply, deeply apologize to my boys everyday... I wish I had known back then.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate this so much as someone who has deep regret for doing that to my baby boy. He may or may not be fine now but it definitely was horrific and made me an advocate for intactivism.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I will ever heal from what I did to my beautiful son. Will he have inner scares for he rest of his life b/c I did this to him? I would do this part of my & my sons life over. I can still remember him screaming after after it done. I remember my husband not even able to look at what we had done to him. This was our 2nd child and my husband was use to changing diapers. He couldn't he told me he hated himself and this was just hrs after it being done. We live with our mistake. I know when my son is an adult I will get on my knees and beg for his forgiveness.
ReplyDeleteSame here. Ds #1 was circ'd and it was traumatic enough for us to leave ds #2 intact, 8 yrs later.
ReplyDeleteI am glad to see this. I circ my son.
ReplyDeleteDo I regret it? With all my being.
Do I think how horrible it was for him? All the time.
Sometimes as parents we try our hardest and fall so short. This is one of the things I would have changed about my past.
My son just turned four and he is cut. I regret it every single day of my life and I know that it's the worst thing i've ever done or will ever do as a mother. Unlike the lady in the blog post, I was told that it was indeed medically necessary. I was told that he would suffer from infections and have to be cut later if I didn't do it. I was told that it didn't hurt, that there was no feeling in that part of the penis.. like a callous on the sole of your foot. No one told me it interfered with breastfeeding and then they proceeded to tell me that I just couldn't nurse right and I needed to supplement with formula. I was young, bipolar, depressed, and a first time mother.. so I listened. As soon as I saw the red, bloody remains of my son's penis I knew it had been a mistake. I plan on writing a letter of apology and, when he gets old enough, talking to him about it so that this never happens to any possible grandchildren.
ReplyDeleteI cried reading that post. The amount of pain that sweet boy must have been in is just unthinkable. My son is cut, and that day will be burned in my memory forever, the initial circ, and the horrific complications that followed. I almost lost my son that day, he bled so much he needed a transfusion. If anyone wants to read the whole story, I blogged about it here: http://attachedwithapaddle.blogspot.com/2010/05/hard-post-on-touchy-subject.html
ReplyDeleteThe pro-circ people can tout benefits all they want, but until the side effects stop including DEATH, we need to shout it from the rooftops, letting them know that it's NOT ok to keep doing this to our sons.
I had my lil one circumsied the day he came home from the hospital and that night he cried so hard that it ruptured and we had to go back to the hospital and have him checked out. If I had truly research this before we made the decision I would not have had it done.
ReplyDeleteI happened upon your blog while looking up information about reversing a circumcision. Unfortunately this is a procedure that is extraordinarily time intensive and painful and thus, a choice my son will have to make when he is an adult, a choice he never should have had to make. I am going to continue with my story.
ReplyDeleteCircumcising my son has so far been the biggest mistake of my life. I regret it everyday, every time I change his diapers, every time I think about the possibility of having another son, every time I think about how I will explain to my son that I allowed, no asked for him to have a piece cut off. When I conceived my son, I was (and still am) a full time college student. While no excuse, I was young, naive, and in over my head. My husband is Jewish, so I had 2000+ years of tradition breathing down my neck. All of the men in my family are circumcised and all the ones in my husbands family are as well, so not circumcising was never really an option proposed to me, just do it with no questions asked. The second the circumcision occurred I realized my mistake but the damage was already done. I took my perfect little boy and chopped a piece of him off. I keep thinking about if and when we ever have another son. I know I will not circumcise him, all of the research I've done, the testimonials from adult men who resent their circumcisions, the risks, I know I can't do that to another little boy. I keep playing the conversation over in my head how I will explain to my oldest son that I allowed his genitals to be mutilated but spared his younger brother. It literally sickens me. Some people will argue that circumcisions are healthier or cleaner, but research shows this as untrue. The whole world does not circumcise. Only the U.S. is pro-circumcision. I find this unusual when contrasted with how most would respond to female circumcision, more widely known as FGM or female genital mutilation. The two are no different. Both are a mutilation of a natural body. The difference is merely geopolitical: male circumcision is largely a western practice and thus more largely accepted, while female circumcision is considered barbaric and largely focused in poor areas of Africa. I suppose my question to you and something you really need to wonder which needs to be put into perspective is this: If you were having a daughter, would you ever contemplate cutting off sections of her genitals for "health reasons"? I mean, if you want to argue the healthier and cleaner route for a little boy, then it would be "cleaner" for a girl to have less folds and therefore less areas for build up and yeast infections, a very common occurrence in little girls. Obviously most would find this argument ridiculous, because it is. I honestly beg you, don't make the same mistake I made. Do some research on your own, research foreskin repair, intactivism, and anti-circumcision.When I was trying to explain to my husband why I was so bothered by this choice I did this to him, I pinched his arm and held the skin then I said imagine if right now I took a knife and cut the tip of this chunk of skin off, imagine the pain of doing that, imagine how unnecessary it would be. For some reason doing that to him made it dawn on him just what circumcision meant. Think of the foreskin like your eyelids. They are there to protect from germs and waste. Would you ever dream of cutting off your eyelids? No, of course not. I honestly hope my comment at least gave you some seed of incentive to really research this decision and not to be like the many people out there that take circumcision as the default choice.
I hope there is healing or at least I can forgive myself for my ignorance! Circumsizing my son is my biggest and worst parental decision and regret. I thought we made the right choice. My husband and i weighed the options and researched. We talked about it but we didn't read the right things we did have the right conversations! We chose to so he would match his daddy and so he wouldn't have to endure it when he was older like his uncle who had incorrectly diagnosed phimosis at age 5. All of my other boys will be intact the way they were meant to be. I do like the idea of writing a letter to my son just saying i'm sorry i ignorantly stole that from you if i could go back to that one day I would.
ReplyDeleteI need a place to express a dark deep regret. You might judge me but I must get it off my chest. When my son was nine days old he was circumcised. I blame no one but myself. In all 20 years of my life I had never heard anything negative about circumcision. I thought it was just something that had to be done. There was no hospital or pediatrician pressuring me. My son was born at home and had yet to leave the house. He was and still is being breastfed, carried, and co-sleeping. I remember calling to make the appointment and the receptionist told me they had an appointment the next day and I took it because I knew if I didn’t do it soon I wouldn’t end up doing it at all. The only thing I had heard about it was girls back in high school saying it was “gross” (an uncircumcised penis). Personally I had never seen one. My mind went to “I don’t want him to be made fun of one day and his father is circumcised.” Why didn’t I just Google it! Why didn’t they discuss this in my natural birth class, or why hadn’t my midwife mentioned it. If I had even read half of one of the articles that I have seen in the past few days I never would have circumcised my son. It was only two days ago that I clicked on one of the links posted on circumcision. I cried for my son. My body went numb and I couldn’t stop shaking. I did this to him?! I am so ashamed! When people talked about not circumcising at a playgroup I thought they just didn’t want to mess with the way nature made them. How little I knew!
ReplyDeleteI keep replaying the day I let the doctor take my son into the room to circumcise him over and over in my mind. I am so anxious, upset, and regretful about the whole situation. I wish I could go back. It is so much more complex then me having to live with knowing that I put my nine-day-old infant through this. It is the fact that Tao felt it, lived it.
Keep posting your links about circumcision, and keep informing women and men! How many others are out there like me who have no idea? Always research before making a decision regarding your child! I am studying to become a CBE (certified childbirth educator). Someday when I am teaching classes circumcision will be covered in detail. From here on out I will share what I am learning about circumcision.
Thank you for reading.
kate, i know exactly how you feel. i too have overwhelming feelings of guilt. how could i have done this to my son - my perfect, perfect son? i am so upset at myself for not having researched this more, for saying yes to the doctor. but i don't want to hold onto these feelings because what if he picks up on them. i do not want him to be ashamed of himself. but i am ashamed at my decision and i am having a hard time moving on. - stacey
ReplyDeleteSeems like there are many of us mothers who regret circumcising our sons. I too circumcised my oldest because I didn't know better and truly thought it was this great preventive measure and was just a little snip... Sigh. My oldest had complications from his circumcision too. The remaining skin start reattaching(yes we took care of it correctly)and this formed adhesions. These adhesions have caused discomfort and irritation for years... Gah. After all my oldest went through I really dug into research and was amazed at what I found. The AAP doesn't even recommend it. Most other countries don't do this to their baby boys and that complications aren't really that rare. My youngest son was spared and he has not had one issue with his intact penis, not that I expect him too.
ReplyDeleteMy biggest parenting regret is having my oldest child circumcised before I knew any better. I wish that someone had told me that it was a risky, painful cosmetic surgery that forever alters the function of the penis.
ReplyDeleteMy doc didn't even ask, just said, "Okay, we are taking him back to be circumcised now." like it had to be done. They said that it was no big deal, he would be given sugar water (gag!) and it was just a little snip. If only I had known then what I know now. But as you said, when we know better we do better! That is what I live by!
I will continue to speak up, because I hate the way it makes me feel, and I hate that no one spoke up to me before it happened. Every child that I can save, every family that I can help to educate will make a difference!
If I ever suggested removing all the skin between a baby's toes, removing toes, or even just the toe nails to have healthier easy to clean feet, let alone performed the surgery, I'd surely lose my license. I practice podiatric medicine. Circumcision is irresponsible and unethical medicine, and I believe no parent would go thru with it if the doctor actually gave them an accurate description of risks and what is lost.
ReplyDeleteI can't tell you how much that I needed to read this article at this exact moment. How grateful that I am to have come across it at this time. I am a very proud Mother to twin boys; they will be 2 in November. At the age of 1 month old, my husband and I allowed or darling boys to be circumcised. Our pediatrician wouldn't even preform the procedure... he tried to tell us that 70% of boys are being left intact now. We didn't listen. I spent hours upon hours researching vaccinations, and knew without a shadow of a doubt that I would not let those poisons be put into my babies... so why did I not put as much time and effort into researching circumcision??? Why did the dr. that cut my sons not tell me the risks?! I have been in agonizing emotional pain and guilt for the past month over this... as I am due with my 4th blessing in March, and feel strongly that this baby will be a boy. I presented information to my husband; we talked, we argued, I cried... oh how I cried deep, deep sobs of remorseful guilt. Why did I allow my babies to be cut?! How could I?! What kind of Mother am I?! After research, both medical, and most importantly for us, spiritual... my husband and I BOTH came to the peaceful conclusion that if we are to be blessed with another precious boy... he will be left peacefully intact. Although my guilt still eats away at me whenever I change my sons diapers... I quite literally pray for help to ease my guilt and heal my heart. "When we know better, we do better"..... and now I know. Thank you, thank you from the bottom of my saddened heart for this article, as well as the others provided.
ReplyDelete~MAC
I have 2 sons who are intact. My husband said, "Know one asked me if they could cut my penis, I am not doing it to my child". I said ok with no thought to it at all. My mother on the other hand fought me tooth and nail about it- she was a former LD nurse. So I started looking into this circumcision issue. I had only sisters and I had never seen one before. I google pictures and was surprised that well they all look the same when erect. So I kept telling my mother that we were still not going to do it. She kept sending me studies about cancer and STD's. I thought this was rather odd since these came from some of the same countries that think if you rape a virgin you will no longer have AIDS.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad I always have been a girl who hardly ever listened to her mother (lol). But I really glad I didn't listen to her. I read your blog and I read these stories and I cry, I cry for the mothers and fathers. I can not imagine the pain they must feel. When my first son was born 7 years ago there was little to find on the "intact issue". Doing paperwork for the hospital for delivery the nurse kept saying you must sign this, it was the circ order. I said NO! You would have thought I said Martians visit me every tuesday from the look I got from her.
Thank you so much your your information. My prayers go out to the parents that feel pain about past decisions. I spread the word as much as I can. I even have talked to my OB/GYN at length about it. I hope more information is spread through hospitals. Our hospital no longer requires the circ page in the paperwork for labor and delivery.
~Laura
I sure do wish I could have read this about 4.5 years ago, while pregnant with my son. I will forever remember that awful day in the hospital, how my poor son's penis looked after they were done... and how I cried & held him, and apologized. I was completely ignorant on the topic, and allowed it to be done. Now I wish I'd read more about it. I too hope more mothers read this while pregnant, or even before they become pregnant with their sons!
ReplyDelete