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Read more from Humphrey at My Life As Danielle
When my daughter was a baby, I did something to her.
Something that did not seem like a big deal to me at the time.
Something that happened to me when I was a baby, and I grew to like as I grew older.
Something that most women, at some point in their lives, have done in our country.
Something that made her look more girly (as this is never done to baby boys).
Something that I was told had little risk.
Something that would be easy to keep clean (maybe even as easy as if I'd left her as she was born).
Something that was completely unnecessary.
Something that was painful,
done at a time when she would not remember the pain.
Something that I thought was for her,
but as it turns out... something that was for me.
I had her ears pierced.
She cried.
Not long, but it was obviously painful.
They were not tough to keep clean; but I did have to attend to them like I hadn't before.
Then we noticed that one of them wasn’t put in correctly.
We could see the back of the earring easily, so we took it out...
and had her RE-pierced.
Another cry.
Oh sweet baby girl, if I could take it back I would.
I’ve thought about taking them out.
(Thank goodness you can take them out yourself when you’re older.)
But you’ll always have a tiny scar from where I let them cut into your perfectly formed body.
Those were not my ears to pierce.
I am so, so sorry I did not protect you, and instead, hurt you for a cultural norm.
What was I thinking?
Rather -- why didn’t I think?
Why did I think less about altering your body than I did about selecting a baby carrier?
Why didn’t I listen to people who said it’s not necessary?
Why didn’t anyone shout - "Those are not your ears!"?
You were already perfect in His image and needed absolutely no modification.
You may actually someday resent that decision I made to alter your body...
Why wasn’t I brave enough to make a decision that was different from what happened to me?
The beautiful stones are not more brilliant than your tender, unmarred ears.
They stare at me everyday I’m with you as a glaring reminder of my first regret.
They catch the light.
They blind me.
And I realize I was never seeing clearly to begin with...
I'm being vulnerable in my mistake, so please show compassion.
I am so thankful that my decision has not led to worse, and that in the grand scheme of things, it’s relatively small.
I will be honest with you about all of this one day.
I will probably have you read this.
I have forgiven myself, and I will never do this to another child of mine.
~~~~
My husband cringes every time he sees a baby girl with pierced ears. I just sigh and shake my head. We've agreed that our daughter (whom we are expecting in March) will be the one to decide when she gets her ears pierced (eight being the minimum age we will allow it). My mom let me have the choice, and I want to extend that courtesy to my little girl.
ReplyDeleteWe let our daughter get her ears pierced when she was potty-trained, as a "reward." She was so thrilled.
ReplyDeleteTwo words: EMLA CREAM
It completely numbs the ear lobes - my daughter laughed throughout her piercing - didn't feel a thing.
That being said, I think it's a bit much to be piercing the ears of a wee baby... But at least use the Emla cream and take the pain out of it!
Thank you for writing this. I am against all body mod for children. Once my girls and son can consent and sign the forms then they may pierce tattoo or cut whatever they want. Til then they cannot.
ReplyDeleteAwesome post. I didn't have my ears peirced until I was 13, and my daughter won't have hers until she is 12. I haven't worn earings in probably 12 years or more,so I didn't even wear them that long, but now I have holes forever b/c they won't close up.
ReplyDeleteIt will be her choice when she gets them done. I don't think it's right to pierce a baby's ears. We alll complain about circumscion, but no one thinks of piercing ears the same way. Thanks for your words of wisdom.
This is a beautiful post. I'm glad you've forgiven yourself, mama. I once thought I'd pierce my little girls' ears when they were babies, but I had a son first. And I researched and soul-searched about circumcision and chose to leave him intact. Then I had a daughter, and I realized that if I couldn't alter my son's body - that the mere thought of it was abhorrent to me - that I couldn't do so to my daughter, either. I realize that ear piercing is the norm, and that it generally does not carry the same repercussions that circumcision does, but her body is perfect just the way it is; just like her brother's is.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I chose when I was 12. Absolutely no reason to make such a decision for your child.
ReplyDeleteI pierced my oldest daughter's ears when she was only a few weeks old, mostly because it is common in my native culture and my mother urged me to do it while she was still young. When I remarried, I thought my husband was really insensitive to refuse to let me do it to the two daughters we had together. He insisted that they should be the ones to ask to have it done. Consequently, they had their ears pierced at 3 and 4 years of age. I see his wisdom now, and regret not waiting for my oldest daughter to decide for herself. Ironically, when it came to circumcision it was I who had to stand for our youngest boy after having circ'd our older one. To his credit, my husband relented and our youngest is intact. I have to keep thinking, "When we know better, we do better." We make mistakes out of ignorance, lack of information, and lack of maturity. I hope our children forgive us and continue to do better with theirs. Now that I'm a grandmother, I hope and pray I'm never the kind of grandmother to promote inhumane parenting ideas when my children are seeing a better way.
ReplyDeleteI would be thrilled if that turned out to be my greatest regret as a parent.
ReplyDeleteI am of the mind set that getting your ears pierced is a privilege not a right and I am waiting till my daughter is 8-9 years old (perhaps older) when she gets her ears pierced.
ReplyDeleteFunny, it was this argument precisely which I'm pretty sure helped a friend NOT circumcise his son! I asked him if he would ever pierce his daughter's ears against her will, and he said, "HECK NO! It's not my body!"
ReplyDeleteI let that sit a moment and then said, "But you're willing to cut off a portion of your son's penis?" And he was dumbstruck.
Aside from the lack of choice on the child's part...
ReplyDeleteAll the more reason not to do this is that mall piercers are NOT certified or approved by the Association of Professional Piercers. As a healthy piercing advocate, I can tell you that using a gun to pierce is one of the most traumatic to the skin. It cuts a plug of skin out of the ear instead of slipping between the layers of skin. The guns CANNOT be properly cleaned! They are mostly plastic and can't be put into an autoclave. The people using the equipment are not well trained or professionals.
If your child is thinking about getting a piercing PLEASE consider the information on http://www.safepiercing.org/ and find a reputable piercer.
I cringe inwardly when I see a baby girl with pierced ears. I don't think it makes them look any more adorable and cute (in fact I think it makes them look too "adult").
ReplyDeleteI was thankful for the fact that my mother didn't make this decision for me. When I was ten or so, she started asking if I was interested in getting my ears pierced. She clearly wanted it to be a mother/daughter special thing, but I was never interested. To this day, I have no piercings, and am glad that my mother allowed that choice to be mine. Should I have any daughters, they will be given the same option, and will be allowed to make the choice when they're old enough to understand and take the primary responsibility for the care of their pierced ears.
I have a six month old daughter, I've been trying to come to a decision on whether to pierce or not to...I was three years old when my grandmother took me for mine, I still have the original ones...is it really that bad to pierce a young baby girls ears? Still teetering on this, would I regret it like the above mother?
ReplyDeleteI had my daughters ears pierced when she was about 4 months old. She didn't even cry. People still called her a "cute little guy". When my daughter was about 4 years old she said she wanted her earnings taken out because she didn't want pierced ears. We left them out for close to a year and the hole only closed in the back. She still had a visible hole in the front. Those were not my ears, and I had no right to have them pierced without her permission.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was a teenager I briefly worked in one of those cheap earring stores at the mall, and part of my job was to pierce ears. Twice I had to assist with piercing a baby's ears. I can remember vividly the first time I did this, seeing her little face go from a trusting, content smile and then contorting into a scream of pain, the trust gone. So sad and so unnecessary. It is because of this memory that I knew I would never pierce my daughter's ears.
ReplyDeleteI already don't feel comfortable with this...all I can think is - not my body, and why in the WORLD would I do something so grownup to my little baby?! Honestly, I think they are ridiculous, and cross the boundary of "my body" vs "my child's body". I think a lot of parents automatically assume "my child = my choices", without remembering that children ARE their own people.
ReplyDeleteIt is definitely an unnecessary pain! But I don't know if its that big of a deal if you happen to do it. I got my daughters ears pierced at 6 months (i've decided i'll wait until my next is a lot older) But she only cried for about 30 seconds and then i nursed her and she was fine. Never had anymore pain or tenderness on her ears, and now she is a happy 4 1/2 year old. So, is this something i've learned from? Yes. Is it something I totally regret and beat myself up for? Heck no. I'm a big believer in not inflicting unnecessary pain on children and animals, but I guess my point is is that this article/poem is a little over dramatic, maybe?
ReplyDeleteI think there is no good reason for body modification of young children but I also think there is no good reason for all this overwhelming guilt. Enough with the glaring reminder of your regret. Love the mother you are, make mistakes, acknowledge them, move on and be the best you can.
ReplyDeleteTo Anonymous above,
ReplyDeleteYou may not regret it but what about your daughter? Who says your daughter would want them pierced? Are you really happy to subject her to unnecessary pain? What if they get infected or the gun gets stuck as they are being pierced or the earrings accidently get ripped out or clothes gets caught on them?
I personally would like for my daughter's to be pierced. She then maybe wont be mistaken for a boy as she hardly has any hair and is 9 months old and I think it would be cute, but I choose not to subject her to that and will wait until she is old enough to ask for it and I can explain and she understands that it is going to hurt etc.
Babies may be totally dependant on us but that does not mean that they are our rag dolls for us to do as we please with them. They are their own individual beings and we should respect that and keep them intact in everyway for them to choose what they wish to do with their bodies when they are old enough.
yes to those who said it is not a big deal - why would you cause any amount of unnecessary pain? does it matter if it is only 30 seconds? you did it purposefully, KNOWING it would hurt. that, to me, is unacceptable. my daughter can have her ears pierced when she asks and can understand that it will hurt.
ReplyDeleteNo one disagreed with me when I asked about doing it to my daughter. Just like no one would have disagreed with me about circumcision in my family. I think this is why I am so passionate about being an Intactivist. I know how easily we can be led down the path of mutilating our children... and worse... watching them cry and think it is ok. I did it. I pierced her ears.
ReplyDeleteSomeone who regrets circumcision said to me "I don't need your bumper stickers or your shirts to remind me of my mistakes." You know what, I don't either. I have my child. So, I welcome this post, those shirts, those stickers, those cards.... because I know I may be able to save a baby.
The day I pierced my baby girl's ears was the day I circumcised her basic human rights to bodily integrity.
As a proudly modified parent, thank you for this. Our children are born perfect. Body modification is a right of passage, a tradition, a spiritual experience, a self representation, and above all a choice.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this.
ReplyDeleteMy OH is Indian and it is usual for girls to have their ears pierced at an early age. I have never been sure about it. This has clarified for me that I want HER to have the choice as to when, and indeed if, she wants to pierce her ears.
She might well choose to - I have 9 ear piercings. But they were all my choice though I can still remember the teenage fights I had with my mum over having them done for the first time. She always said 18 but I wore her down well before then. I don't want those fights with my daughter....
I refuse to pierce my daughter's ears. And I am pierced multiple times, have several tattoos and a brand. Those were my choices. She has yet to make hers. When she does, we will discuss the risks and benefits and whether or not she is ready to make permanent changes to her body. With love, and respect and understanding of what body autonomy means.
ReplyDeleteI thought about piercing Abigail's ears when she was a baby but then I thought....Why?
ReplyDeleteIn some families it is a cultural thing to have done. I am realizing more and more each day that I spend a lot of time protecting my children's mind and body from the world and one day they may chose to alter it.
I myself did not have my ears pierced until I was 16. My mom thought that I should chose and not until that age.
WOW! I cannot believe the comments on this beautiful blog post! What a brave woman to put that out there, after she realized she made a mistake! So good to read these follow up comments!
ReplyDeleteEar piercing is different then cutting off half of a penis, IMO. But, you can believe what ever you choose too. It does not make you right or me wrong, we just have different opinions and that is ok, thats life is all about.
ReplyDeleteTo anonymous above, it's not comparing circumcision to ear piercing. The same principle applies tho...basic human rights. Rights for the child to choose what will and will not be done to THEIR bodies. You wouldn't go and have your precious baby tattooed (body modification) so why piercing? It's inflicting unnecessary pain on an infant for the sake of so called 'beauty'. Let them choose. It's not your body to alter to fit your version of what looks pretty.
ReplyDeleteI was at Beaners one day, taking my son to get his hair cut. There was a three year old little girl (I know her age for they told me) who was screaming and hiding behind the chairs. She was covering her ears and refused to stop shrieking. The mother tried to hold a mirror to her face, to show her something. I did not understand, not until I saw the bright red earlobe and the fresh, flashing earring in her ear.
ReplyDeleteThe little girl started screaming for her mother to take it out, for she did not want her second ear pierced.
At this point I could not contain myself, I am usually not forward but I was nauseous with distress, my son at my side. I told both the piercer and the mother that what they were doing was wrong. They stared blank face at me, not an emotion on their faces. The piercer then informed me it was fine as she was three and it was legal.
That has not left me. That feeling of... Fear and distrust in that little girl was palpable. In her world, they were betraying her. In these cold, unseeing adults, all they witnessed was a willful three year old.
Moozikteacher above makes an excellent point- piercing guns are HORRIBLE when it comes to t sanitation and healing- they do not create a clean puncture and do not meet the basic safety standards set by the APP. I will never let my child get her/his ears pierced by one of those disgusting things, especially after hearing the healing and infection horror stories my brother brings home. He is a professional piercer and when he and my child can agree that the child is mature enough to take care of a piercing and deal with the responsibility that entails, then a piercing can be considered. A piercing should be understood to be a big responsibility, not just something you get on a whim and then forget about. I really do recommend reading up on the safety standards on the APP's website- their FAQ is excellent: http://www.safepiercing.org/piercing/faq/
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry but isn't it the same as when your baby gets their shots they won't hold it against you thy won't even remember after a while
ReplyDeleteAnon (above) - There is a HUGE difference between a needed vaccination (when it truly is warranted) for health reasons vs. piercing (or other body modification). The later is never necessary and never done for the good of the baby. How can these two things even be compared?
ReplyDeleteI was talking about the fact that its your baby trusting you then being in pain a needle is a needle weather its cosmetic or vaccination weather its neded or not if you want to peirceyour daughters ears when she's young enough not to have to remmber th pain then yu shoudnt have to feel bad about it bcause she's sad for a second and may take them out when she's older but the chances of her getting them periced later in life is a lot higher than the chances of her not wanting them so why not spare her the bad memory while you can? People feel less guilty about circumsison that's cosmetic is it not so why should you be a bad perent for peircing a little girls ears
ReplyDeleteMy ears were pierced when I was three months old as is common in my culture, and I was pressured to do the same to my daughter. I practiced natural parenting from the start with my daughter, and when they came in to do the heel stick for routine tests my heart was ripped out by her tears. I realized at that minute that I could NEVER pierce her ears, have her body modified until she was old enough to understand it, and had she been male, I would NEVER have circumcised. I don't understand at all how real, bonded mothers can allow any of these things to happen to their babies without their very souls telling them that this is WRONG.
ReplyDeleteI have piercings and tattoos, and I got the rest of them when I was an adult. My daughter is free to do the same when she comes of age. Until then, I'm the guardian of her body, keeping it free of chemicals, vaccines, processed foods, modifications, and other aberrations. I'm her mother, and it's my JOB.
I just pierced my baby's ears about a month ago, when she was 3 1/2 months old. I thought about it for a little while, but in the end I chose to do this now because I remember getting my ears pierced at 7 years old and how painful it was. I didn't even want to get my other ear done! I am sure at some point in her young life she will want earrings, and now she doesn't have to put up with the pain later them comes with getting them pierced, as I have already taken care of this for her at such a young age that she won't remember it!
ReplyDeleteMy baby girl is perfect just the way she is.
ReplyDeleteI would nor will I ever, ever, have her ears pierced.
I don't give a damn about cultural norms and beauty standards.
My conscience and heart are all the standards I need.
And they say she is perfect with the body nature decided she should born with.
Babies feel pain more exquisitly than adults, so it is more painful as an infant than at age 7, not remembering something does not erase any trauma. I just want to correct that illogical thinking that to feel pain in infancy is somehow better. I asked for my ears peirced for my 7th birthday and it did burt, but both were done at the same time which I think is a great idea for anybody at any age. I had them re-done several times before we figured out i was allergic to nickle. Yes is hurt and ached for a few days BUT I could understand why, I could feel that pain and dislike it but retain the excited of having new earrings. A baby just knows pain, so why force it on them? If we are that worried about identifying the gender of our infants, how hard is it to stick a bow or headband on her head or put her in a frilly dress?
ReplyDeleteI once saw a baby getting her ears pierced in an accessory store in a mall (I think I was pregnant with my first at the time). She cried and fought, I had to leave. It made me mad and sad all at the same time. I vowed never to pierce any of my girls ears until they were old enough to ask for it and take care of their ears themselves. I have 3 girls (10, 8 and 6) and only 1 has asked for her ears to be pierced, then changed her mind. She decided she would wait another year.
ReplyDelete